Over the last few months I have had a number of experiences with my children. (My children are 26 to 32 years of age. Each unique. Each individual. I love each of them.) Marriage, first child, moves. A lot of what we would call the biggies in life. And with each change, I watched the grace of God move in their life. The seed bed of grace they are growing in is growing them up. I have watched as their priorities changed and continue changing. I watch with amazement all they have become.

I have and will continue to be an advocate for the preparation of children. Too often in ministry and in business, I have witnessed young people who are not prepared as they cross the 18 year old “finish childhood/begin adulthood” line. Too many parents who think they can still parent when you get to be just a “loving friend.” Too many who nothing about the essentials of life because parents did not understand the need.

Life is not a sprint but a marathon, meaning the training is different and the goals are different. (My youngest brother is a beginning marathon runner.) His training is different, his thinking is different and his understanding of the goal is different. Life is the same. We do not need to get all the goals “done” today.

One of the biggest dilemmas parents are faced with is what does that look like. The answer is to see yourself out of a job as a parent when they become an adult. (A wise child will not unplug from the loving parent when seeking wisdom or insight, but the parenting role shifts. What does it shift to? Hopefully a relationship of love continues, mentoring, friendship and support.) Legally they do “not need you” but wisdom does point to the fact that relationship can and ought to continue. Where do we want them to be? Hopefully to be adults who love life, love others and are productive in their homes and communities.

What defines adulthood? (So that we know where we are headed as we set destiny for adulthood for our children.) Sociologists often define maturity in adulthood by the ability to meet five important events:

1. Completing school-I have been around long enough to know not every child completes school. On the other hand I have also witnessed children who are not prepared to write a check, pay a bill or know how to vote.  And college has become the way to keep children in dependence to parents. (I am not saying do not go to college, just concerned with how you get there!)
2. Leaving home-Let me simply say “going to college” is not necessarily leaving home. Leaving home is leaving home. Be stable and able to attend to one’s own affairs (Remember this is what the professional field deems reasonable.) is important to not only you as a parent or as a child reaching adulthood, but it is important to your community and country at large.
3. Becoming financially independent-Part of parenting preparation ought to include money understanding. If it doesn’t I am telling you “Johnny will come” or never leave. Part of understanding adulthood is understanding you need to work to become sufficient. Getting a job, paying bills and becoming productive ought to a foundation stone for every child’s education.
4. Marrying-I know there is changing understanding of this thought process, but I personally believe we are hardwired for relationship and that can and will include a relationship of this type.
5. Having a child-Again this is what I believe is hardwired into us.

Please remember that I did not pick those, but I do believe they are important. Sociologists and professionals have deemed these. Me? My list includes a basic understanding of God and love. My children are who they are because of loving parents who introduced them to our best friend Jesus.

I have been around long enough to know that where these ideas have not been part of a child’s culture at some point they will hit a wall. One of my friends in the past has called it white spaces or those blips on your screen where you know something goes in there but you do not know what it is. You “know what you do not know.” Unfortunately there is too much of that going on. We have allowed educational and social systems to dictate out of need rather than out of direction.

An inability to develop relationships or look to the future have handicapped our children too often with dire results. I would simply say this to you; it is never too late to start. There are good books and education out there on preparing your child for life.

My own list is similar to one that a paper published in a psychology magazine a few years ago.

• Preparing kids with love-love will be the single greatest source of encouragement. Tell your children you love them. And do love them. Devote time and space to their well being.
• Prepare kids with people skills-we already touched on some of that above.
• Preparing teens to work-oh no! Yes, you will have to forgo friends and video games and be a productive member of society.
• Learning to be entrepreneurs-I was surprised and encouraged to read this.
• The Utlimate Motivation-funny my list would include God here, but they thought taking a year off before going to college was the most important.

My personal growth has come from putting myself in the company of believing (People who believe in Jesus Christ and His finished work.) people and finding out what works for them. (As one of my friends said to me “overweight people will not help me for diet and health issues. Poor people will not instruct me in how to be a millionaire.” He practiced this and while in his 70’s lives “healthy, wealthy and wise.) I visit friends with strong marriages to find out how to a better husband for instance. Ifind people to help me unravel the places I need answers.

My own children still come to me. And not all of them left the nest at 18 or did not return at one point. In some respects they were a product of my failings as well as my successes. I learned from kids to say things like “I am sorry” and “I made a mistake.” My five children are in their late 20’s, early 30’s. Most are married, some have children. Sometimes they do it “my way” and sometimes they do it their way. I do not agree with all their decisions, but they are adults. I learned to sacrifice and adjust on the way. My own childhood contained white spaces. I needed to figure out what “went there.” Sometimes I found out I did not know what I did not know. So thankful for those who told me!

I will tell you that the number one belief I have is that Jesus is Lord and He can mend and heal anything. He has don mighty things in my children’s lives. God is important to me. I am not sure how others do it. My daughter told me her mom had given her old letters she had from when she was a teenager. She said in one of the letters, I said “keep Jesus first.” I joked and said” if nothing else I am consistent.” I am not talking about a book of rules but I am talking about relationship with Him.

Decide where you want your children to be and begin. It is never too late.

Some great books on relationships by Danny Silk
Dave Ramsey books on Finance
A Christian Book resource site.