Praying For Our Children

All too often I watch a parent see their children walk away from the church, leaving thoughts of Christ behind. The parent feels the failure. I have “been there.”

Let me first say I am not a “pastoral” gift” despite years of being the “pastor” of the church I started. I am a prophet, and the perspective I take here may be more prophetic than pastoral or teacher.

But more importantly I am husband, a parent and a grandparent. My view is in part based on scripture and my understanding of it combined with my experience. Between my wife and I we have 5 children. We have 6 grandchildren. We have been married for over 20 years. We have made a lot of mistakes. We brought our children up in the church. First as parents attending church and later as ministers with children. Some of our children were with their parents at different times. (Implication-being consistent is difficult in blended families.) My children all walked away at some point. Why? Well, let me share my observations.

First, my definition of “walking away.” First let me suggest that not all children are saved. A prayer does not mean salvation. Heart changes come with salvation. (That may be an “ouch” but it is far better to deal with reality than fiction.) But for the child who has given his or her life over to the Lord and then makes a major change, I suggest that much of the reasoning lies with a parent and the role they have played. (I get there may be the occasional child who just never got it. But let us be honest and ask why.) You can be mad about that, but usually once we get “over ourselves” we see the things that might have been different. This is not a point of condemnation but observation. (And allows us to help others.) As I often told my children just because you go to McDonalds does not make you a hamburger. Just because Jimmy or your child go to church does not make them a Christian.

And if your child is saved and has moved away from your beliefs, much of it is wrapped up in the “too much preach, not enough walk” of parents and friends in the church. This means they heard the words but did not see actions that aligned with spoken beliefs. A lot of children have viewed the church as hypocritical in relationships, love and deed. One example is constant berating of a child or spouse only leads to what we are discussing. Their hurt, disillusionment and despair is wrapped up in not enough Jesus. Pointing to others rather than Jesus sets a false standard and one that most often never works.

Folks, make sure the gospel you share is filled with love (Because it is about love.)and you won’t find it hard to get them to come in.

On to the observations.

YOUNGER CHILDREN

Being a blended family requires “more” grace and additional strategy. When a child is going through a tough time they may be going home to the other parent tonight. How you move forward is important.
Not all battles need to be won.
Relationship is more important than rules. When you employ rules, remember rules without relationship breed rebellion.
Allow and encourage your child to build their own relationship with God.
Do not expect that your child will turn 18 and miraculously become an adult. Plan from the day your child is born that they will have all that they need before they turn 18. Do not put off sound instruction because it is “too hard.”
Get a clue! Children need you. They need your instruction, your boundaries and your love.
Learn to release. Allow for mistakes. Know that it is not easy, but this is your choice. And God is on your side. Letting them make mistakes and being available to them is important.
Do not let schools teach your kids and not be there. Do not let church supply what you are to give. Yes, they need scholastic education. Yes, they need Godly instruction. BUT! You are the parents. Be a parent not a friend when they are young and you will get to be a friend and not a parent when they are older. J
They do not need more toys. They need more love and grace. Do not make up for lack by McDonalds or buying toys.
Especially for single parents, do not make up for the missing parent by going hog wild for birthdays or Christmas.
Do not force feed religion. Do not teach kids to be parrots. Let them explore their relationship with God. Let them evaluate His love for them.

Teens

Do not be upset when your child gets more independent. This is what you wanted!
At 12 years old you have possibly 6 good years to finish this season. Make the most of it. Do not make it so difficult that they want to walk away. (There are enough battles over school work, friends and sports.)
Do not live your Christianity vicariously through your children.
Your child is going to make mistakes, do dumb stuff. Don’t be Pollyana and put your head in the sand. Lovingly walk with them.
Verbal wars will not endear your child to a greater truth. Stop yelling.
Recognize the changes they are going through. Physical, hormonal, relational and more. You are the parent. Be the prepared one. Be the one they can turn to. Do NOT play Holy Spirit.
If I have taught my children one thing it is this. “If you jump over a fire and burn your butt, you wear the blister.” I can be there, but I may not be able to stop the pain. “You and God” ought be important conversations with your child for any parent.
There comes a time where you as a parent will need to trust God and that includes, God in them.
There will come a time where you will say, “Out the door children!”
Give serious consideration to sending your children off to college. There are many financial and spiritual reasons to look at this wisely. And not every child is at the same place.
Teens are fun, energetic and changing. Loving them on purpose makes it easy for you to be a support in their life. Maintain the lines of communication.

The child who is on their own and doing their own thing.

(This is where many folks are at that I know. I have been there. You may have got saved later in life, been through divorce or broken relationships, addictions and dysfunctions, but the Lord I serve is a Redeemer. So do not condemn yourself even if you have made terrible decisions or utilized unwise parenting skills.)

You no longer get to “play” parent, you are now, like it or not, peer-to-peer. Do not try using manipulation (ever) or condemnation or threats.
Avoid hypocrisy.
You do not have to approve their lifestyle or their choices, but you do need to live with them to move in the right direction. You do not have to let an unmarried couple live in your house together, but you cannot stop them from doing their “own thing” in their own home.
Build (Or rebuild) relationship slowly. Work to stay in communication. (You can learn the newest communication method, but remain a parent!)
You do not have to pay for their bad decisions.
Being judgmental or condescending will not get them to Christ. Nor does it change what they may have already respected.
If your lifestyle is out of whack; engaging in immorality, drunkenness or abuse, work on you first! (Don’t tell your children to date in public and then you bring prospective suitors home! Hypocrisy with a capital H.)
Make room for easy meetings. Restaurants, sports, movies, etc..
Be available when they need to talk.
Never counsel without being asked. You can ask “are you looking for my input?”
Do not let children control you with actions, especially when it is a blended family. “You are not my mother” was not heard. Tina is Tina to my children and I am Lee to hers, though they often call me dad.

You will spend a lot of time talking to the Lord about much of this. You may want to invest in my online book, The Drones Of Heaven that talks about prayer, declaration and decree.